Tired of reading emails all day? CVAIA could triple your pay!
Dear Brad,
Preston Parker, a Utah State University professor and highly experienced and successful investor, wants to help people become financially independent. Millions of people hate their jobs and want to make more money. Cache Valley Area Investors Association can help.
CVAIA was started in 2007. It educates individuals to think about money and opportunities differently. Preston teaches from experience. He knows what has worked and what hasn’t and wants others to have the same good fortune as he has found.
CVAIA meets every other Thursday at 7:00 p.m. at the Cache County Chamber of Commerce building located at 160 N. Main Street in Logan, Utah.
Please let me know the earliest date you will be able to attend.
Thanks,
Madison Hintze
801-555-1234
mhintze@cvaia.com
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1 comment:
Re-write a better subject line. The focus is financial education and financial independence.
Delete "highly experienced and successful investor" because it is subjective.
Make "Street" correct AP Style.
Proof read for minor grammar and spelling mistakes.
The website is: www.cvaia.com
Make sure dates are in AP Style.
Avoid contractions.
AP Style is to put commas on both sides of years when they are written with a specific date.
Put the person's contact info right before the salutation in the beginning.
Nice to mention how this association relates not only to the person you are pitching to, but also to the readers. Making this connection explicit will help make your pitch more successful.
Put your contact info at the bottom after your name. Identify your relationship with the association.
The association is not free, the meetings are.
You would put a date at the beginning.
I would get some more of the lead elements near the beginning: meeting every other Thursday in the Cache County Chamber of Commerce at 7 p.m., anyone can attend and it's free of charge.
Also, have your call to action sentence at the end be a separate paragraph so it stands out.
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